What the Fk: A Naruto Story
by S123
Summary: Naruto, the way it should be. Rated M for swearing, inappropriate humor, and comedic violence. WARNING! THIS WILL CONTAIN OUT OF CHARACTER-NESS, SPOILERS, AND PARODY LEMONS. Thank you all for your reviews! your opinions are deeply appreciated.
1. Chapter 1: plans

What the Fuck: The Story of Naruto

Chapter 1: plans

"Uhhhhhnnnngggggg…" said Naruto as he arose from his slumber. He was having the most wonderful dream, too. Sasuke was back in the village, and he and Sakura were making out, and he was eating multiple bowls of ramen at the _same time!_ It was the coolest thing ever! But than he remembered what today was. "Yeah! Today's the day our local sex offender (Jiraya) and our local beats-people-to-death-with-her-bare-hands-er (Sakura/Tsunade) plan to free Sasuke from making his own decisions! Yay!"

Naruto was so excited, he didn't even boil his ramen, simply eating the ramen with the Styrofoam cup. After vomiting for a couple of minutes, he left the house. On the way to the Hokage's office, he bumped into Sai, who was also headed there. "Hi Sai!" said Naruto, who was so happy that he didn't even tell Sai that he shoved dead gophers in his nostrils the previous night. "No penis" responded Sai. When the duo reached the Hokage's office, Naruto immediately wanted to begin planning. However, Kakashi hadn't shown up yet.

Two weeks later…

When Kakashi arrived, he found Tsunade beaming for some reason, Naruto shoving dead gophers in Sai's pants while he was asleep, and Sakura watching.

"Yo!" he replied, and was immediately punched by everyone present.

"What the fuck took you so long!?!?!?" said Naruto.

"Funny story…I was on the way here two weeks ago, and I realized that I hadn't memorized the Makeout Paradise series by heart! So I did!"

"Yes, well…" Said Tsunade, clearing her throat, still beaming. "What are you so happy about, Old Lady?" Asked Naruto.

"I was gonna save this for the party, but…Jiraya's dead!"

"Yay!" said Sakura.

"HAH! I knew he'd die first!" said Naruto.

"No Penis!" said Sai.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGODWHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Said Kakashi.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"With him dead, who will continue to write the Makeout Paradise series!?!?!?!?"

"Who cares! I can finally stop paying mercenaries to shoot anybody who comes near my bathroom!" Said Sakura.

"And I can become a nudist again!" Said Tsunade, who instantly took off her clothes. Although Naruto and Kakashi gaped at her, they didn't immediately knock her out, which Jiraya would have done.

"And I don't have to worry about waking up with him having sex with somebody on top of me! said Naruto.

"No penis!" Said Sai.

"Anyway," said Tsunade, "we have located Sasuke. He is with his brother on top of a huge-ass pyramid."

"You mean the one just outside of town?" Said Naruto, looking out the window. "Hey, I can see them from here. HI SASUKE!"

"Shut up, dope!"

Suddenly, Sai spoke up. "No penis. penis penis No, No small penis. Small penis, tiny penis, no penis."

"Wow , Sai, what an interesting theory involving Itachi cooperating with Maadara Uchiha to learn new jutsu!" Said Kakashi.

"Anyway, here is our battle plan." Said Tsunade. She took out a tube, loaded a tranquilizer dart in it, and fired it at the pyramid out of the window.

_**Next Chapter: The Fight!!! **_


	2. Chapter 2: The Fight

Chapter Two: The Fight

Itachi and Sasuke were glaring at each other. Zetsu watched, bored. "OH MY GOD! THEY'VE BEEN STARING AT EACH OTHER FOR THREE DAYS!" said White Zetsu. "I'm bored. I'm glad I brought my gameboy!" Said Black Zetsu. "Dude, know what would be awesome? Gameboy and pot!" Said White Zetsu.

"…YES! YES! GET THE BONG!" Yelled Black Zetsu.

_Meanwhile, in __Genjutsu__ land…_

Itachi and Sasuke had been through many battlegrounds, including Naboo (where Itachi and Sasuke joined forces to eradicate the gungans) Mordor (Where Itachi lost because he had a staring contest with the eye of Sauron, who he lost to) and the Uchiha slaughter (where Sasuke lost because he was too busy trying to save his relatives). Now they were in Candyland, where Itachi was trapped by the molasses swamp. "This is the end, Itachi!" yelled Sasuke, as he poured gasoline on the molasses swamp. "I need a double purple to get out of this mess. FUCK!" Said Itachi. Sasuke lit a match, and chucked it at the molasses swamp. Fortunately for Itachi, this was a genjutsu, so he turned the molasses swamp into Tobi. "Hi Itachi and Sasuke. Tobi loves you a-ARRGH! I'M ON FIRE!!! WHY!!!" said Tobi. Sasuke was about to draw his sword when suddenly, the genjutsu broke. A dart had punctured his neck, and he fell, bleeding and uncouncious. Itachi, immediately fled, and Zetsu, stoned off his ass, was busy playing Donkey Kong. "Dude! The barrels keep on coming! I need the fucking hammer!" said Black Zetsu. "YES! WE GOT THE HAMMER! SUCK IT, BARRELS!" Said White Zetsu. A small group promptly arrived at the summit.

"Wow, Tsunade-baa chan is a really good shot!" Said Naruto.

Sakura started poking Sasuke's body, and was about to take off his clothes until Tsunade stopped her.

Kakashi was reading his book.

"No penis!" Said Sai, pointing at Zetsu.

"Dude, it's those guys from that place!" Said both Zetsus. "Let's BLUREAAAAGHHHHHH!" Zetsu's speech was interrupted by a sudden fit of vomiting, brought on by a combination of nachos and pot.

Kakashi immediately kicked Zetsu in the face, knocking him out.

"Alright, let's drag these sons of bitches home!" Said Kakashi.


	3. Chapter 3: Finally, He's Back!

Chapter 3: Finally, He's Back!

"Uhhhhhhnnnn…" murmured Sasuke as he woke up from being tranquilized. He felt a funny feeling as he looked at his surroundings. He was in a hospital, and strapped down by several restraints. He also noticed that he was naked, and that Sakura was gaping at him, also naked. "WHAT! SAKURA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"

"What I should have done a long time ago, YOU!" Sakura was about to replace Jiraya's mantle as Konoha's main (and only other) sex offender, when Naruto, Sai, Tsunade, and Kakashi barged into the room.

Everyone stared at each other for five minutes, with Naruto being restrained from punching the crap out of Sasuke and Sai mumbling "no penis". Sakura slowly put her clothes back on, put Sasuke's clothes on, and stood up at the door.

"…Anyway, SASUKE! YOU'RE BACK! WE BROUGHT YOU BACK! YAY! Lee _so _owes me five bucks!" Yelled Naruto.

"Shut up! I was about to beat Itachi! I need to get back to the pyramid! Let me go! Said Sasuke.

Slowly, the curse mark creeped across Sasuke's body, and the straps binding him began to break.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Yelled Kakashi, as he started to begin a four-hour long sealing jutsu. As Kakashi began to do the first 72 hand signs of the 43 billion hand sign jutsu, Naruto took out a kunai and stabbed Sasuke's left shoulder.

"AAAARRGGH! WHAT THE FUCK!" yelled Sasuke. Naruto slowly moved the kunai around the curse mark, and when he made a full circle, ripped the patch of skin off.

"HOLY FUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! FUCK!" Screamed Sasuke, as he began to twitch. The curse mark receded to the patch of skin Naruto had ripped off, which Tsunade promptly put into a box and covered it with magic pieces of paper with kanji that stopped anybody from opening it.

"Wow, I don't know why we didn't do that sooner." Said Kakashi.

"Yay! Now that Sasuke's curse mark is gone, he'll immediately switch back to the way he was, and we can pretend this whole thing never happened." yelled Naruto, as he leaned forward to hug Sasuke. Sadly, Sasuke had managed to break the restraint on his left arm, and immediately activated the Chidori, aiming directly at Naruto's open groin while screaming "HELL NO, FUCKFACE!"

Twelve Minutes Later…

Naruto was lying in the hospital bed next to Sasuke, twitching slightly. "…Anyway," said Kakashi, "The courts of Konoha have sentenced Sasuke to a year in incarceration, although he can be paroled for good behavior and agreeing to do missions. Also, the primary part of his punishment is that every day for three years, he will be tied up and left in a room alone with Sakura or Ino for one hour."

Sasuke immediately tried to bite off his tongue, but he was stopped by Tsunade.

"Anyway, I better drag this guy to Ibiki for interrogation along with that weird schitzophrenic shrub guy. C'mon Sasuke." Said Kakashi, as he dragged his gurney to the torture corps.

"Don't worry Sasuke! If they don't torture you too bad, we can have ramen together, as long as your arms and legs are bound and you're escorted by twelve ANBU black ops who will stab you if you try to eat without being fed by one of them!" Yelled Naruto.

A single tear rolled down Sasuke's cheek as he was wheeled away.

_Meanwhile, in the torture room…_

"I said ANSWER ME, YOU FUCK! Where is the Akatsuki base!?!?!" Said Ibiki as he applied the thumbscrews to Zetsu.

"It's at the north poleAUGGHHH!" yelled White Zabuza.

"No, it's on the moonOHGOD!" yelled Black Zabuza.

Ibiki sighed. "Look, it's been a long day. I had to torture a couple of boyscouts today for shoplifting, so can we just say I tortured you and do something else?"

"There's a bong and a few gameboys in my jacket pocket." Said both Zabuzas.

Next Chapter: HE'S ESCAPED! Kakashi interrogates Sasuke

AU: Thank you for reviewing, Antispartan! For all of you reading this story, please review.


	4. Chapter 4: HE'S ESCAPED! K ints S

Chapter Four: HE'S ESCAPED! Kakashi interrogates Sasuke

"Man, that was easy. All it took to take this guy out was asking to play multipayer Donkey Kong." Said Zetsu as he wiped the blood from his jacket. "Okay, I'm in the middle of enemy territory, surrounded by powerful ninjas, and weakened by torture. Time to use the signature ninja escape technique!" Zetsu made a handsign and disappeared in a puff of smoke, instantly reappearing at the Akatsuki base.

Meanwhile, Kakashi had found Ibiki's corpse, and was informing the Hokage of his demise. He had unwisely left Sasuke unattended, and Sasuke quickly removed his hidden phone (it's hidden somewhere where he'd immediately know if somebody was calling. Also it's on vibrate mode. Also it's not in his mouth or his nose and it's up his butt). Flinching after removing his phone, Sasuke hit the speed dial.

_Many miles away, at the secret __Uchiha__ cat house…_

Suigetsu's phone began ringing. He picked it up, yelling "Hello?"

"Suigetsu, it's me, Sasuke!"

"Dude, where have you been! It's been, like, four days!"

"I got into a genjutsu fight with Itachi, and the bastards from Konoha sucker-darted me and have me prisoner! If you don't save me, I'll be raped. RAPED! HELP ME!"

"Oh, that explains why Itachi arrived!"

"What?!?""Yeah, I was fighting Kisame, and Karin was in the woods looking at pictures she had taken of you peeing, and Juugo was petting a caterpillar-he named it Jimmy, it was so hilarious when I squished it-and suddenly Itachi showed up and forced Kisame to leave."

"…Why'd you kill Jimmy?"

"dunno, I was bored. Anyway, it was hilarious! Juugo started crying, than he tried to punch me, but I ran, and than he found another caterpillar. Hang on…"

SPLAT!

"WAAAH! BARTHOLEMEW!"

"Okay, Bartholomew's dead. Oh fuck, he's pissed off, gotta run!"

As Suigetsu ran, he dropped the phone, which Karin immediately picked up.

"SASUKEISITYOUOMGILOVEYOUWHEREAREYOU!" Karin screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Karin, listen very carefully, I need you to get Suigetsu-"

"Sasuke, I think we should take our relationship to the next level."

"We have a relationship?!?!?"

"Oooh, that feels so good…"

"Karin, NO! NO! I NEED HELP! NO!"

"I'm sending a picture."

"Karin, where is Sui-OH MY GOD! THAT'S SICK! OH GOD! BLEARRRGH!!!!"

Sasuke was vomiting so hard, he didn't notice Sakura coming from behind him. She grabbed the phone, and angrily yelled into the phone "LISTEN BITCH, SASUKE'S MINE NOW! LAY OFF!"

Sakura crushed the phone and turned to Sasuke. Kakashi immediately appeared behind Sakura, and dragged Sasuke into the torture room.

"Okay, here's the deal. Did you give Orochimaru any data on Konoha?" asked Kakashi.

"No, I swear." lied Sasuke.

"Okay Sakura, come in." yelled Kakashi.

Sakura walked in and started poking Sasuke.

"GRAAAA! HER TOUCH! IT BURNS!" screeched Sasuke.

"DID YOU TELL OROCHIMARU ANYTHING!" said Kakashi again.

"URRRG OKAY, I TOLD HIM THE ADRESSES OF ALL THE CHILDREN AGED 5-12 IN KONOHA, INCLUDING PHONE NUMBERS AND EMAIL ADRESSES!" screamed Sasuke.

"Anything else?" asked Kakashi.

"No, that's allOGODNO!" yelled Sasuke in pure agony as Sakura started licking his face.

"Anything else?" asked Kakashi again.

"ARRRRRG! OKAY, I TOLD HIM ALL OF THE EVENINGS THESE KIDS ARE LEFT ALONE! THAT'S ALL, I SWEAR! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, STOP THIS MADNESS!" pleaded Sasuke.

Kakashi took out a bag of Sasuke's pubes and threw them out of the window. Sakura promptly leapt out of the window after it.

"Dude, I'm sorry I had to do that, but c'mon. You did sell us out, and It'll take a lot of work to earn back our trust." Explained Kakashi.

Sasuke, angry about his treatment, noticed Konohamaru out the window and chucked a kunai at him. The kunai hit him right in the side of the head, and Konohamaru promptly fell to the ground, violently twitching but eventually lying still, dead.

Kakashi looked back at Sasuke. "Okay, now you'll get a couple of medals. But you're still on thin ice."

Next Chapter: There Are How Many of Us Left!?!?!? The Hunt for Hidan's Head Is Proposed


	5. Chapter 5:There are HOW MANY OF US LEFT?

Chapter 5: There Are HOW MANY OF US LEFT?!?!?! The Hunt For Hidan's Head Is Propsed

Pein was pissed off. Here he was, hosting the first meeting since he _finally_ killed Jerk-aya, and yet _nobody_ but Konan, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein had showed up!

"Where the FUCK is everybody!" yelled Pein angrily.

"OOOH! Tobi knows where he is! Wanna know? Wanna? WANNA?!?!?" shouted Tobi as he stormed into the meeting room.

"TOBI! Where have you been!" asked Pein angrily.

"Tobi was busy watching nickelodeon!" yelled Tobi. He than started to pivot in place, while murmuring "And he lives in a pineapple under the sea…"

"GAAAAH! SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN! WHERE ARE THE OTHERS!" roared Pein.

"They're taking too long." Said Konan.

"I think one of 'em died again." Said Pein.

"Tobi hopes not! Although if one dies, Tobi hopes it's Big Pein." Tobi pointed at one of the Peins, quivering. "He scares me."

Big Pein began advancing menacingly towards Tobi until Itachi and Kisame arrived at the meeting.

"Sorry we're late, but I got lost in the woods, and it took me a day to find Kisame." Said Itachi.

"There's GOTTA be a better way for you to be guided," said Kisame, tugging angrily at his collar. "Can't we get you a dog or something?"

"I hate dogs." Said Itachi.

"Well, at least I managed to kidnap that kid before we left." Said Kisame, taking Udon (snot nose kid) out of his sack.

"Uhhhhhh……Let me go." Said Udon.

"No!" Said Kisame, as he hooked Udon up to his collar.

"Now, it's your job to guide this notorious serial murderer around. If you ever screw up, he'll probably torture you for days." Said Kisame calmly. Udon wet his pants just as Zetsu arrived.

"Man, I've got the munchies." Said White Zetsu.

"Me too…" murmured Black Zetsu. They than noticed Udon. "Yay! Lunch. Awww… You guys are so thoughtful!" Said Black Zetsu. He grabbed Udon and promptly devoured him.

"FUCK! Now I have to wear the collar again! Thanks, Zetsu!" Said Kisame angrily.

"That kid tasted like snot." Said both Zetsus.

"ZETSU! What took you so long!" yelled Pein.

"Yeah…I got captured by Konoha, and it took four hours of getting Ibiki stoned before he was wasted enough to let one of my arms go… Long story short…" Zetsu held up his thumbs. Each thumb had a hole about as big as a dime. "I can't play gameboy for a while."

"DAMN! If we had a med ninja, it could heal you. Konan, you'll have to do it." Said Pein.

Konan got some paper, folded it into wads, and shoved it in Zetsu's thumbs.

"ARRRRGH! WHAT THE FUCK!" yelled White Zetsu.

"FUCK! I'VE GOT PAPERCUTS ON THE INSIDE OF MY THUMBS! IS THIS YOUR SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING?!?!?" yelled Black Zetsu.

"Baby." Said Konan.

"Okay, I've called you all here today because there's good news and bad news." Said Pein.

Everybody promptly started listening, except Tobi, who stole Zetsu's gameboy and was playing Donkey Kong.

"The good news is that I killed Jiraya, and we will be holding a party about it this Saturday."

Everyone cheered, and Tobi raised his hand.

"…Yes, Tobi?"

"How do you beat Donkey Kong?"

Big Pein grabbed the gameboy and forced Tobi to eat it.

"…Now, the bad news is that in the past month, we've lost roughly half of our members to a bunch of friggin' teenagers. Due to our shortness on both time and people, these assignments are ones we CANNOT afford to fail. Tobi, Kisame, and Zetsu: you will be searching Konoha for Hidan's head. At this point, we need every member we can get. Itachi, Konan, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein: you guys and me will be capturing the Kyuubi punk."

"Tobi doesn't _want_ to help Hidan. Hidan was mean to Tobi and told Tobi he should cut himself. Than he made Tobi eat his heart and call him Uncle Johnny." Said Tobi, shivering.

"Too bad, Tobi. You gotta rescue Uncle Johnny."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

AU: Thank you for your reviews and advice, Antispartan!!!!

Next Chapter:Oh yeah, there ARE other ninjas in Konoha! Hinata and the others.


	6. Chapter 6: Oh yeah, there ARE other nin!

Chapter 6: Oh yeah, there ARE other ninjas in Konoha! Hinata and the others.

"YAAAAY! Sausuke's back, Sasuke's back, Sasuke's back and Lee's on crack…" sang Naruto, as he headed to Ichiraku's ramen shop. When he finally made it, he found Hinata, Lee, and Neji already eating there.

"Hey guys! Guess who JUST BROUGHT SASUKE BACK!?!?!?" yelled Naruto.

Neji looked shocked. Lee swore, he had just lost five dollars. Hinata said, "Yay! I knew you could do it, Naruto!"

Lee sighed as he gave Naruto five dollars. Neji nudged Hinata. "C'mon Hinata. You can talk to him."

"But Neji," began Hinata "What if he refuses me?"

"Listen, when you said that you'd press charges against me for trying to kill you, and when it turned out I couldn't afford a lawyer, I said I'd help you with whatever you want. You wanted me to help you with this. Beating Naruto to a pulp is our _last resort!_ You have to do this first!"

Hinata nodded. Turning to Naruto, she said, "Naruto, would you like to umm...go out sometime?"

Naruto promptly said, "Hinata, I'm not gay."

Hinata looked puzzled. Neji sighed. _Oh well, _he thought, _time for the last resort._ "Naruto, can I talk to you alone for a sec?"

"I JUST told you I'm not gay!" A vein burst in Neji's head, and he kicked Naruto in the balls, sending him back twenty feet.

"GARRRRGH! WHAT THE FUCK!" Screamed Naruto.

"Listen, idiot, Hinata likes you! Go on a date with her or I'll fucking CRUSH you!"

"But I'm not…wait…Hinata's a guy, right?"

Neji, shocked that somebody could be so stupid, started yelling at Naruto again.

"NO SHE'S A GIRL!And she fucking LOVES you!"

"WHAT!?!?!?"

"Okay, dumbass. You've got twenty-four hours to think about this, and if you refuse Hinata, I'll beat you up and take your ramen."

"NOOO! I like ramen!"

As Neji left, Naruto began to think. He decided this was beyond his own mental abilities, so he talked to the Kyuubi about it.

"Hey Kyuubi."

"**HELLO MORTAL WHELP. DO YOU NEED POWER AGAIN? OKAY, HERE YOU GO!"**

Naruto involuntarily accepted the Kyuubi's power and blew up a house. After he made it to his hideout he resumed his conversation.

"WTF!?!? I didn't ask for power! Are you stupid?"

"**WATCH YOUR TONE, KIT. I COULD KICK YOUR ASS IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE CAGE."**

**"**Yeah, but because of the cage, I'm safe. See?" Naruto mooned the Kyuubi, than sat down. The Kyuubi roared at him and tried to eat him, but couldn't.

**"KIT, I FUCKING ****HATE**** YOU! WHAT DO YOU NEED? TELL ME, SO YOU CAN LEAVE SOONER!"**

"Well, it turns out Hinata's a girl, and she likes me, and I can't choose between her and Sakura."

**"WELL, I LIKE WHATEVER MAKES YOU MORE MISERABLE, SO GO WITH SAKURA. ****ALTHOUGH, BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS PRETTY SHORT, WE SHOULD DO A PRO-CON CHART."**

So Naruto and the Kyuubi made a pro-con chart.

Hinata:

Pros:

Nice to me

Believes in me

Likes me

For my birthday, gave me a ramen-themed party and gave me a puppy, Jimmython

If I date her, Neji won't take my ramen

Cons:

Shy

Her dad might hate me

Weird teammates

Not Sakura

Sakura:

Pros:

Sakura

Cons:

Mean to me

Hates me (and tells me every day)

Thinks I suck

Threw me a birthday party where she beat me, made me eat my silverware, and punched me in the groin for every hour I'd been alive. Her present was killing Jimmython

If I date her, Neji will take my ramen

"ARRGH! Who do I choose?!?!?" said Naruto angrily. "What do you think, Hinata?"

Hinata, who was spying on Naruto through the window, freaked out and fell in his house.

"Umm, uhh, er, uh, ah…" Said Hinata, who was too freaked out to speak legibly.

"Wait! I know!" Said Naruto. "I'll tell each one I like them, and see how they react!"

Naruto turned to Hinata. "Hinata, I like you."

"REALLY?!" Said Hinata. She promptly grabbed Naruto, and started making out with him.

---Lemon---

Naruto and Hinata did some stuff. Than they did some other stuff. Than they took off their clothes. Than they did some more stuff. Than they were done.

---End Lemon---

Hinata turned to Naruto. "Naruto, aren't you going to ask Sakura if she likes you?"

Naruto turned to Hinata and said, "You know what? I don't feel like being beaten right now."

Both of them giggled, and fell asleep in their lovers arms. AWWWW!

Next: Chapter Seven: Deer Can Bite?!?!? The hunt for the head begins!

AU: thanks for your reviews and patience!!!!


	7. Chapter 7: Deer can bite?

Next: Chapter Seven: Deer Can Bite?!?!? The hunt for the head begins!

"Okay, this is the last area Hidan was seen." Said Kisame, pointing at a bunch of woods.

"YAY! Other trees!" Yelled Zetsu. Zetsu marched up to one of the trees and began talking to it. "Okay, here's the deal" Said White Zetsu. "The trees say that there is an army of deers, squirrels, chipmunks, and all other manner of cute foresty folk that are guarding the head. More importantly, though, the chipmunks have been eating all of the nuts! This is seri-"

"Hey, look! Tobi sees a baby deer! Hello!"

Tobi, in full throttle cuddle mode, began advancing on the fawn. The fawn looked at Tobi with bambi eyes, but when he made it to hugging distance, its eyes glowed red!

"WAAAAA! WHY! WHY DID THE DEER BITE OFF TOBI'S LEG!!! WHY!!"

Kisame immediately took out his sword, and was about to shred the deer when at least two thousand chipmunks descended from the treetops, smothering him.

"OH GOD! THEY'RE IN MY NOSTRILS! ONE OF THEM IS GIVING BIRTH IN MY CORNEAS! WHY!?!?!?! ARRRG!"

Zetsu was about to start taking pictures of the deer nibbling off Tobi's other leg and the chipmunks crawling in Kisame through his nostrils when a deer crept up from behind him and held his arms.

"Wha-" said White Zetsu, but he was interrupted by the swearing of Black Zetsu.

"Dude, the fucking squirrels are here! And they have fucking walnuts! Fuck!"

The squirrels, who numbered in the thousands, were positioned at every angle surrounding Zetsu. Each squirrel had a walnut, and several squirrels were bringing more walnuts. Suddenly, the lead squirrel, ChirUMbuk, stepped up, delivering an inspiring speech.

"CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK. CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK, CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK CHKIKIKIKIKIK _CHKIKIKIKIKIK_ **CHKIKIKIKIKIK****CHKIKIKIKIKIK**** CHKIKIKIKIKIK****CHKIKIKIKIKIK**(My friends, these people are intruders in the forest. _Our_ great, luxurious forest with all the nuts in the world, where fathers bring their children that we make our poop on when we are bored, where we throw pieces of nuts onto people when they are happy. **WILL WE GIVE IT UP? I SAY NO! NO! NO! ****FOREVER NO!**)"

He than spoke the squirrel words that would haunt Zetsu forever.

"CHKIKIKIKIKIK..(ready)"

"CHKIKIKIKIKIK…(aim)"

"**CHKIKIKIKIKIK****fire at Will!)**"

Immediately, Will, the treacherous squirrel spy, was killed. Than the squirrels threw all of their walnuts-many of which had rose thorns glued to them with sap-at Zetsu.

"OH GOD! MY EYES! MY TONGUE! THEY'RE SHOVING THE SPIKED ONES DOWN MY THROAT! SHIT!" screamed White Zetsu.

"HOLY FUCK! NOW THEY'VE CHANGED OUR SUBSCRIPTION TO A SUPPOSITORY! Now we take our meds rectally! Also, THE SQUIRRELS ARE SHOVING NUTS UP MY ASS! GOD, WHY!!!!" roared Black Zetsu.

Suddenly, Tobi, who still had time to save his left leg, had an idea. "Don't worry, guys! Tobi will use the phone you gave him to call Superman! He'll save us!" Tobi than took out an electric shaver, hit several buttons on it, and put it to his mouth. His face being cut, Tobi screamed, and threw the shaver into the air. The shaver flew, and struck ChirUMbuk on the head, rendering him uncoucious. The squirrels paused for a second, giving Zetsu the time he needed to take the pictures. Than he remembered the squirrel menace, and devoured all the squirrels, save for ChirUMbuk, who woke up and escaped. Several of the chipmunks left Kisame to fill in for the squirrels, which let Kisame kill all of the chipmunks left on him and decapitate the deer. After all of the chipmunks were finished off, Zetsu began stitching Tobi's legs back on.

"HOLY FUCK! Those animals are freaking MONSTERS!" Yelled Kisame, still prying chipmunk carcasses from his bodily orfices.

"At least we killed them all." Said White Zetsu. Zetsu than tapped Zetsu on the shoulder.

"What?" asked White Zetsu.

"That." Said Black Zetsu in a defeated voice.

Four trees away from them were twelve thousand herds of deer, at least three hundred thousand chipmunks, five hundred thousand squirrels, several different kinds of raccoons, and many hordes of bugs. ChirUMbuk was sitting at the front on a branch, wearing a hollowed-out nut as a helmet.

"CHKIKIKIKIKIK (bring it, bitches!"

With that noble sentiment, the conflict known by animals as the second Forest Fray (FFII) began.

Thirteen Hours Later…

At long last, ChirUMbuk was dead, having committed suicide in his squirrel bunker. The chipmunks had surrendered when Kisame used Samehada to wipe out their 83rd- and final- wave of troops, but the deer refused to give up until Zetsu ate all of the deer babies. Tobi helped by kicking some of the corpses when he was bored, and going potty in a hole he dug like a big boy.

It was not a pretty site.

Although all were healed(and had lost a good 456 gallons of blood in between them) the Akatsuki had come close to death many, many times. At one point, Kisame's heart stopped, but Tobi somehow saved him by punching the crap out of his knee.

"We…we…did..it..done..head..where.." murmured Zetsu as he passed out.

Tobi, who had been assigned the digger's position, had dug up half the forest, and had finally stumbled on a rockslide. After using his face to break the rocks, he looked inside and found a head, desparately trying to bite its own ears off.

"…Hidan?"

"ABOUT FUCKING TIME, YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD FUCKFUCKS! I'VE BEEN IN THIS FUCKING HOLE FOR THREE FUCKING WEEKS! FUCK! I HAVEN'T FUCKING BEEN ABLE TO CUT ANYBODY FOR JASHIN-SAMA IN WEEKS! FUCK!"

"Well, we're here now Hidan. Tobi didn't miss you, cuz with you not watching your scary shows about death, Tobi gets to watch Spongebob!"

"…Call me Uncle Johnny, you fuck."

Chapter Eight: Stopping Rape and Killing a Child: Pein's and Suigetsu's Assaults Begin!

AU: thanks for being patient, but updates may be scarce. I've got a lot of crap going on right now, so please be patient!!!!! Oh, and **THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS!!!!!!**


	8. Chapter 8: Stopping Rape

Chapter Eight: Stopping Rape and Killing a Child: Pein's and Suigetsu's Assaults Begin!

Generic Ninja 8 was pissed. His assigned prisoner, the Uchiha brat who betrayed the village that everyone still loved for some reason, had tried to escape 7 times, kill him 23 times, and commit suicide 89 times since being taken to his first hour of punishment with Sakura. It appeared that he had given up on resisting, and was focused on the task of biting off his toe.

"Man, this sucks. I should have been Generic Pirate 65 on One Piece. At least there there's not a chance of being kill-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Sasuke plunged his newly sharpened toe into Generic Ninja 8's face, instantly killing him.

"_Finally_! I thought I'd never get away!" Said Sasuke. As he sprinted towards the windows, and thus freedom, he immediately saw a flash of pink.

"Oh fuck," was Sasuke's last, eloquent thought before Sakura knocked him out. She dragged his body to the dungeon with a baggie of sex toys.

_Meanwhile…_

"GO FASTER, YOU FUCKING ASSFUCKS!" Screamed Karin. She was infuriated. Not only were her chances of stealing Sasuke's innocence jeapordized by his captivity with that _evil, pink bitch!-_But his own teammates were being unbearably slow!

"But Karin, we've been going at forty-thousand NLPS (Ninja-Leaps-Per-Second) for eight days nonstop! I wanna break!" Whined Juugo. Juugo really needed the break too-it was Fredrick's feeding time.

"Well, _I _say we're gonna keep going, or I'll feed Suigetsu your little friend." Said Karin, holding up a terrified Fredrick.

"NOOOO! I CAN'T LOOSE ANOTHER CHILD!" Sobbed Juugo as he tripled his pace.

"…Wait, why am _I_ going with you guys? You don't got nothing on me. In fact, I _like_ destroying Juugo's joy, even if it means bug eating." Said Suigetsu.

"If you don't help, I'm posting your Haku audition pictures on the internet." Said Karin calmly, holding up photos of Suigetsu in elaborate dresses and makeup."

"…TRIPLE TIME! LETS MOVE, LET'S MOVE! HUP-TWO-THREE!" Screamed Suigetsu, furiously hoping nobody saw him wet his pants.

_Meanwhile once more…_

"Hit me" Said Pein. He, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein were playing blackjack. Pein was busy hunting for dinner, Konan was setting up camp, and Itachi was blindly looking for the kid he captured on the way to Konoha.

Big Pein was in trouble. He had a five and a Jack. He closed his eyes, and noticed that Pein had Blackjack!

"I fold" said Big Pein. The other Peins immediately followed suit. Pein, swearing, decided to go find Itachi.

"Kid…Kiiid…Come out….I promise I won't torture you again…I mean it this time…" Yelled Itachi as he stumbled through the woods, looking for girl-konohamaru-squad-member (I don't know her name and am too lazy to find out.). girl-konohamaru-squad-member was hiding in some bushes, hoping not to be found by Itachi. Unfortunately, Itachi found an unusually obedient squirrel, and decided that he didn't need girl-konohamaru-squad-member. So he immediately activated the Mangekyo Sharingan.

"AMATERASU!"

The entire forest burst into flames, killing girl-konohamaru-squad-member instantaneously. Unfortunately, Itachi had been facing downwind from the Akatsuki encampment, so the camp-as well as Konan's proudfuly-protected set of 34 billion paper cranes, which was a week from retirement-burst into flames.

After forcing Itachi to eat each and every burnt scrap of paper, Konan turned around to find Pein, dragging with him a screaming lump.

"…What's this?" Asked Konan, looking at the snarling lump. "It looks familiar…"

"FUCKITY FUCK FUCK, YOU FUCK! IT IS I, THE GREAT HIDAN! FUCK, YOU GUYS FUCK! Now, where is my substitute body!" Yelled Hidan's head.

"Tobi came towards us with the head. It took him longer than expected because his legs were on backwards for some reason. Anyway, here's your substitute body." Pein took out some metal rods, shoved them in Hidan's neck, and attatched wheels to them. He than attached a scythe-shaped pipe cleaner to Hidan's forehead.

"…Fuck."

"Anyway, we've located the Kyuubi's apartment." Said Pein, who had just returned from food-hunting. "Also, I found a charred monkey in the bushes that we're eating for dinner tonight!" Oddly, Itachi refused to eat any.

_Back in the previous Meanwhile…_

"Uhhhhhnnnnn…" Sasuke groaned. When he woke up, he noticed that he was tied up and naked. He also noticed there were candles everywhere, some whips, and several…objects. "OH CRAP! Please let this be a nightmare!!!!" thought Sasuke desperately. Unfortunately, the pain felt all too real when he was whipped.

"Oh Sasuke, I've waited years for this. Now just shut up and lie still!" Roared Sakura as she force-fed him twelve Viagra pills. "Okay, just pretend I'm somewhere else." Thought Sasuke. "I'm at…Great America…killing Itachi…mmm" Sasuke might have been able to stay in his fantasy if Sakura hadn't used the flaming piece of metal to brand a very…delicate place on his body.

"YEEARRRRRGHH!"

_Meanwhile, just outside the torture complex…_

"I'm not gonna ask you again: where is Sasuke!" roared Suigetsu as he shook the guard of the building up and down.

"No penis. Penis penis small penis, penis no." Said Sai

"Juugo, help me out with this!" Said Suigetsu. Turning around, he saw that Juugo had retrieved Fredrick.

"Hey Juugo, can I see Fredrick?" asked Suigetsu.

"Sure! Isn't he adorable?" Said Juugo, beaming.

Suigetsu picked Fredrick up, put him on a rock, and was about to stomp on him when Juugo started screaming.

"NOOOOOOO! PLEASE DON'T! WHAT DO YOU WANT!"

"Help me interrogate mister falocentric albino, and I'll give you your damn bug back."

Juugo picked him up, and began.

"Hello, good sir. Do you know where Uchiha Sasuke is?"

Sai nodded and pointed at the door next to them.

"Thank you, kind sir."

"Penis no-AARRGGGHHNOPENISARRH!"

These were Sai's last words, as Suigetsu promptly sliced him in half. He picked up Fredrick and tossed him back to Juugo.

"YAAAAY! Hey, wait a sec. Where's Karin?"

"Excuse me…" Said a voice. Stepping out of the shadows, the speaker revealed himself as a young man completely covered by a large overcoat.

"…But your bug is ADORABLE!" Said Shino.

"I KNOW! Do you have any?" asked Juugo proudly.

Shino lifted one inch of his jacket.

"WOW, you have a LOT. We should arrange a playdate!"

Suigetsu sighed, knowing it would be a few hours before they were able to reach Sasuke. He wondered where he was…

_Back in the Meanwhile that occurred before this Meanwhile…_

"Oh Sasuke, I wish you'd JUST SHUT UP AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE!!!!" Yelled a frustrated Sakura.

"NOOOOO! MY INNOCENCE!" Sasuke had been crying for twenty minutes straight. He didn't get it, why did God hate him?

Suddenly the door flew open. In stormed a very furious Karin.

"OKAY BITCH, I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!" She roared.

"Wait. Let's think about this rationally. If you save Sasuke now, will you ever get another chance like this again?" Said Sakura.

To Sasuke's horror, Karin began to nod. "Let's share." Sasuke immediately began to try to bite off his own tongue, but Sakura gagged him. "Don't mind that, he's been doing that all day.

_Meanwhile, in a different __Meanwhile__ we haven't even explored yet…_

Yawning, Naruto awoke. He turned around to look at the clock.

"Whoa, it's like three o'clock."

He rolled over, and noticed the sleeping Hinata next to him. He remembered their "conversation" the other day and smiled.

"Hinata, wake up!" said Naruto, poking her.

"Uuuuhhhnn…HUH! YOU'RE HERE!?!? IT WASN'T A DREAM!?!?!?" Yelped Hinata.

"Yup, we did it. And after the stuff that happened yesterday, I not only know for sure that you're not a guy, but you're also pretty cute, and nice, an-"

Naruto never got to finish because Hinata began kissing him. Naruto was about to remove the sheets separating them, when suddenly, something flew threw their window.

"FUCK YOU, KYUUBI FUCKER!" Yelled the head that flew through the window. It landed on the table, and began thrashing around.

"FUCK! These damn wheels don't work at all!" yelled Hidan. The pipecleaner on his head suddenly bent down and gouged his eye out.

"FUCK! Well, I've been ordered to delay the kid! What do I fucking do!?!?"

Hidan decided to activate the one remaining body function he could still easily do. He started vomiting up mucus all over Naruto's furniture.

"OH GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!" Yelled Naruto. Hinata was hiding under the covers.

Suddenly, Pein, Pein, Konan, Itachi, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein broke into the window.

Pein immediately launched into his evil triumph monologue.

"Well, you fought and fought, but in the end OH MY GOD!! HIDAN, WHAT DID YOU-OH MY GOD!!! Are we interrupting something?"

"YES! I'm _trying_ to get laid!" said Naruto angrily. Hinata nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, there was a knocking on the door, and Tsunade walked in.

"Hello, Narut-EWWW! What's all this sno-EWWW! Put a tie on the door or-Wait, are you Pein?"

"Yes!" several voices responded. Tsunade ran over and hugged each Pein. "THANK YOU!!!"

"…What?"

"You killed Jiraya! How would you guys like to be the guests of honor at our "funeral" tonight!"

"Sure!"

"Ahem.." said Naruto. Everyone turned to him."GET THE HELL OUT!" roared Naruto.

"…Yeah, right. Now about the party…" Began Konan

Naruto signed and began to wonder how Sasuke was doing.

_Back in the previous Meanwhile…_

Suigetsu, Juugo, and Shino suddenly burst into the torture chamber.

"Sasuke, we found you! Sorry we took so long, but dumbass and ugbo here got talking about bu-OH GOD! EWWWW! KARIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! AND WHO'S THE PINK HAIRED CHICK!!!!"

"…Please kill me."

Next Chapter: The Happiest Day Ever! Jiraya's "Funeral"


	9. Chapter 9: The Happiest Day Ever!

Chapter 9: The Happiest Day Ever! Jiraya's "Funeral"

"HELLOOOOOOOO KONOHA! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?!?!?!?!" Yelled Gamakichi. He had been hired to entertain at Jiraya's funeral, and he said he would, as long as he was allowed to defecate on the body.

_Okay, they kept their end of the bargain, I've kept mine. I __gotta__ excite the crowd!_ Thought Gamakichi.

Unfortunately, the crowd just wanted to leave and enjoy the festival, or, as the one brain-damaged pervert named Jimbobbery who lived next door to Jiraya called it, "_funeral_".

"I SAID, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?!?!?!" yelled Gamakichi.

"…YOU SUCK!"

"BOO"

Outraged, Gamakichi began yelling at the heckler. "Hey, you goddamn sonnovabitch, geddup here before I thrown this dynamite in the crowd." Gamakichi lost his patience and threw the dynamite, blowing away 547 civilians and revealing the heckler to be…

"DAD? WHY!?!?!?"

"It's cause YOU SUCK MOTHERFUCKINGFUCKWADFULLAFUCK!"

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" Yelled Hidan at the swearing frogs.

"Okay, the festival will last for six hours," began Pein, "Pein, Konan, Pein, and Zetsu, you guys will be group one. Me, Kisame, Pein, Itachi, and Pein will be group two. Tobi, you'll be with Hidan."

"Is it because I'm the best one?!?!?!"

"Yes, that _must _be it!" Said Pein sarcasticly. (note: this line is from Naruto Abridged! Youtube it! It kicks ass!)

"Okay, Hidan, I'm converting you to travel mode, but in order for it to work, you need to sing the transform chant!" Said Tobi.

"FUCK NO I AIN'T SINGING NO CHANT!!!!!"

"Fine, I'll just leave you here, next to the nuns." Said Tobi.

Hidan turned around in fear and saw the nuns, who were giving food to orphans.

"NOOOOO! They'll want me to be nice to the orphans instead of biting off their toes and telling them they suck!"

"THEN SING!!!!" Roared Tobi.

"…T! Time to roll into action! R! Radically rearrange bodily structure! A! Attack, offense, go go go!"

"Yes!" yelled Tobi, who started to dance. "Put more feeling into it, or I"ll donate in your name to a charity."

Sweating, Hidan began to sing faster and louder.

**"N! NINJA ABILITIES, TIME FOR BATTLE! S! ****SUPER-DUPER SPINNING ROLL!"**

Hidan tried and fail to spin. "NO! That's it, I'm gonna give this orphan money for medicine and say it's from you!" Said Tobi.

Hidan began singing his heart-or, considering his condition, Medulla Oblongata-out.

**"F! FU-FU-FUN T-T-T-****TIME**("Stop crying!" yelled Tobi)** ACTIVATE! O! OOGIDY BOOGIDY BAM! **(Tobi giggles, that's the best part of the chant)**R! READY EVERYBODY, HERE WE GO! M! ME OH MY, TIME TO FLY!"** finished Hidan.

"Okay, now your powers will magically activate!" yelled Tobi. He got some string, put it on Hidan's head, and got out a nail gun, nailing the string to Hidan's forehead.

"…Fuck."

"OOOH! They have a Disney store just through the Acidic-Rusty-Nails-On-The-Ground district! Let's go!" yelled Tobi. He began dragging Hidan's head through the rusty acidic nails.

"Well this isn't so bad." Said Hidan. Tobi than noticed an orphan outside of the Disney store. Bending down, he gave the orphan some money, and said proudly, "That's from both of us!"

Hidan's sobs could be heard throughout the entire store, so it was lucky that nobody else was there. It _ was_ a Disney store, after all.

_Meanwhile…_

"Sasuke! They let you out?!?!?! Yay!" Yelled Naruto at a shivering Sasuke.

"Yes," began Tsunade, "There was an…incident…in the interrogation…and as it is, he could have sued us for much more than he did, but he settled if he was given his freedom…as well as 450 billion Ryu."

"So horrible…So very horrible…WHIP! WHIP! NO! NO! WHIP NO! TUBE NO! AAAH! AAAH! AAAAH!" screamed Sasuke.

"SASUKE I KNOW YOU LIKED IT!" Yelled Karin from the required 700 yards as stated in the restraining order.

"SASUKE COME TO MY HOUSE AND I'LL SHOW YOU MORE!!" Screamed Sakura from the required 5000 yards as stated in her restraining order.

"So…What happened to him?" Naruto asked Suigetsu, Shino, and Juugo. All of them were shaking, and Shino's bugs and Frederick were squirming uncomfortably.

"Wha-what happ-OGOD!" yelled Suigetsu as he vomited at the memory. Juugo started crying and wet his pants. Shino, who was uncontrollably biting off his finger, whispered "you don't want to know."

"O-kay…" said Naruto, looking weirded out. "I'm gonna go visit Hinata at Ichiraku's."

"Have fun," Said Suigetsu, who had stopped vomiting. "We're gonna take Mr. incurably-suicidal-and-emo-and-scarred-for-life to the dango shop for some dangos."

"Oh. What the hell is a dango anyway?"

"It's a round, Japanese sweet on a stick made of beans."

"…That sounds disgusting."

"Eh, the writer's an American, so what are you gonna do." Said Suigetsu as a lightening bolt fell from the sky and struck his head, quickly punishing him for daring to defy the writer.

_Meanwhile…_

"Okay, so where are we going?" Asked Kisame. He, Pein, Pein, Itachi, and Pein were making the rounds of the festival.

"First, we shall eat at a dango stand, because Bobbith needs nourishment." Said Itachi, petting his seeing-eye squirrel (by the way, Bobbith is a girl's name).

"Than, us Peins have a score to settle with a certain corpse!" yelled Big Pein. He was excited: He had eaten prunes and laxatives and drank magic miracle pee-pee juice (everyone else calls it water) just for tonight!

"Kay, than after the dango shop me and Itachi will visit the Konoha aquarium!" said Kisame happily. When they arrived at the dango shop, however, they saw another group there. Sasuke's shivering instantly ceased, and he turned around.

"**YOU!!!!!!!!"**

"Dang, there goes the rest of the evening. Eat up, Bobbith, it's gonna be a long night."

_Meanwhile…_

"Hey, Hinata!" yelled Naruto as he sat down at ichiraku's with her.

"Hi Naruto!" said Hinata gleefully. Ever since her new favorite day of all time, she and Naruto had frequently been "getting together", if you know what I mean. Than after playing checkers they'd go home and have sex. As a result, Hinata's shyness was fading away.

"So, I was thinking we could eat some ramen, and then you can choose what we'll do!" said Naruto.

"Hmmm…." Thought Hinata. "I know! We'll go to the Konoha movie theatre and see 'Ninja Love Actually'! That movie got really good reviews!"

"Okay." Said Naruto, a little disappointed.

"Than we can go to the library…" began Hinata.

_Crap! First a chick flick and then books! Not __Jiraya__ books, word books! Damn! _ Thought Naruto.

"…And have sex in the reference section. Nobody goes there now that they installed the computers."

"YIPPEE! Let's go Hinata!" yelled Naruto. He quickly swallowed four bowls of ramen simultaneously and dragged her towards the movie theatre.

_Meanwhile…_

"So, where are you going Konan?" asked Zetsu as the Pein's left to help Big Pein.

"I'm going to the Staple's. I need some more paper!" said Konan excitedly as she got out her kunais.

Zetsu ignored the screams coming from the Staple's and quickly ran towards the flower field just outside of town.

"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT ALL THESE BABES!" Yelled White Zetsu.

"I am getting laid tonight." Said Black Zetsu as he took off his clothes.

----Lemon---

Zetsu picked up some flowers and did some stuff. Than he put the flowers in a special place and picked up some more flowers, doing more stuff. Than he began cramming more flowers in his special place while wrapping other flowers around-okay, I can't write anymore. I don't know if there is a rating higher than M, but if there is, I may need it. So let's just say he did a lot of sick, disturbing stuff, and that about half the flowers were gone.

---End Lemon---

Zetsu laid down happily and began smoking.

_Meanwhile…_

The Peins were sitting in the bar, flush faced and happy. They had effectively destroyed Jiraya's corpse, and Big Pein had managed to cover it with fluids from every part of his body.

"Man, that was awesome!" Yelled Pein.

"Did you see how I put those frogs in his pants?!?!?!" shouted Pein gleefully.

"I AM GOD!!!!" roared Big Pein, as the other Peins bowed to him, murmuring "we are not worthy…"

"Okay, we've had fun for about four hours, time to have Hidan activate Operation: Kidnap Child!" said Pein. He took out his cell phone and hit the speed dial.

_At the Disney Store…_

Hidan groaned. He and Tobi had been here for four hours! All Tobi did was play with the same Goofy doll, and occasionally make it hug the Mickey doll, until he had the Donald doll bring him candy. Hidan had tried every way possible to kill himself, and was about to blink himself to death when the phone lodged in his windpipe rang. It uttered only two words before deactivating.

"Mission begin"

Hidan, who had been trained for this situation, turned to Tobi and said the seven words that would ruin Jiraya's Fun-eral:

"Tobi, grandmother would like to play badmitton."

Tobi slumped, and stood back up, his eye a sharingan.

"You ready, Maadara Uchiha?" asked Hidan gleefully. Now they get to leave the Disney store!"I was born ready. Let's go!" roared Maadara. He was so furious that he threw the Goofy doll. It hit the only other person in the Disney store, killing her instantly. Luckily, nobody cares about Ino, and thanks to Chouji, her corpse was gone quickly.

_Meanwhile Again…_

The beepers of all the akatsuki's were going off.

"Crap! I'll have to finish this fight quickly!"

"NOOOOO! I wanted to see the fish!"

"Okay, fifty billion sheets of paper should be enough."

"No, don't beg me ladies-A man's got to do what a man's got to do."

"We'll come back afterwords for some 'relaxation'!"

"TONIGHT JASHIN SAMA WILL BE APPEASED!!!!"

"We're stopping at the baby hospital on the way there. I'm hungry."

Pein grinned, leaning back in his chair.

"Operation: Kidnap Child has begun!"

Next chapter: Operation: Kidnap Child!

AU: Sorry it took me so long to update, but I've been busy. I can't believe I got 8 reviews!!!! Thank You!!!!


	10. Chapter 10: Operation: Kidnap Child!

Chapter 10: Operation: Kidnap Child!

Suigetsu yawned. Itachi and Sasuke had begun their battle with genjutsu, and as such it was incredibly boring. As far as he could tell from their occasional muttering, they were playing monopoly.

"What's that, Frederick?" Said Juugo. Frederick whispered in Juugo's ear, causing him to yell "LOOK OUT SASUKE!".

Sasuke snapped out of the genjutsu and dodged just in time to avoid Bobbith's rabid clawing.

"Give it up, Itachi! You can't win! We're equal in genjutsu, and your blindness makes me better than you in everything else!" Smirked Sasuke confidently.

"Oh yeah? Bobbith! Ratatouille formation!"

Bobbith promptly leapt on Itachi's head and grabbed clumps of hair that were magically connected directly to his central nervous system. When the fight began, Bobbith started pushing and pulling these hairs, causing Itachi to move. They were exactly equal.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?" yelled Sasuke furiously.

"Itachi! You have to hurry up! The operation has begun, remember?" yelled Kisame glumly. He _really _ wanted to see those fish.

"Oh all right. Hey Sasuke-Karin Sakura nose fire." After hearing these words, Sasuke collapsed in the fetal position, sobbing.

"How'd you do that?" Asked Kisame.

"Dunno. I was just going to keep saying random words while Bobbith got out her secret walnut bazooka. But this works too."

"Anyway, we gotta hurry!"

With that, the duo sprinted away towards the village entrance.

"What do we do with Sasuke?" asked Suigetsu.

"I say we poke him with these sharp sticks I found!" yelled Juugo.

"Dude…You read my mind."

_Meanwhile…_

"AAARRRGHHH!!!!!"

"WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?"

"AJKLDJBAHJHBFDK!!! THERE'S PAPER INSIDE MY AQUEUS HUMOR!!!!!"

Konan paid no heed to the screams of the guards by the town gate. After a few more minutes of brutal mutilation, she took out her cell phone and called Zetsu.

"Hey, what is it?"

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU FREAKY SCHITZOFRENIC FERN?!?!?!"

"I been…uh…busy. Anyway, I got the south gate, and I'm heading towards-"

"Is that Konan on the phone?"

"Zetsu shut up!"

"You shut up! Let me talk to Konan!"

"Leggo-OWSUNNOVA-Hi Konan!"

Konan sighed and hung up the phone. No matter how many times she tried to talk to Zetsu, she simply never got used to him. Suddenly, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein appeared.

"How's the plan going?" asked Pein."Okay, I guess. Zetsu took out the guards at his gate, but he's arguing with himself, so he'll be late. How'd east and west gates go?"

"KICKASS! I got so many toes for my toe collection!" yelled Pein.

"I still say my elbow collection is better." Said Big Pein.

"Anyway, the escape is set up. We just need the blind guy, the fish guy, the psychotic guy, the shrub guy, and the Tobi/Madara guy to show up, and we can go." Said Pein.

"I wonder where our target is…" murmured Konan.

_At the library…_

"FUCK! I fucking HATE libraries! They call my religion a "disgraceful and violent cult". I'm not disgraceful or violent!" yelled Hidan as he finished eating his baby leg.

"HEY! You stole one of my baby legs! YOU BASTARD!" shouted Madara angrily.

"Oh, get over it. You ate like, I dunno, 43 fucking babies at the hospital?" said Hidan grumpily.

"Hang on a sec.." said Madara. He peered around a corner, and turned to Hidan. "Quick, open your mouth!"

Hidan opened his mouth and immediately had Madara's hand shoved down his throat. The hand emerged with a mucous covered cell phone. Madara quickly turned it on and activated the video function, and began recording what he saw around the corner.

Hidan rolled a few times and managed to see what Madara was recording.

"They're doing it wrong. They don't have any rabid wolves, or torture devices, or even an executioner for the end!" mused Hidan angrily.

"Dude, shut up! Do you have ANY IDEA how much Hugh Hephner would pay for this!?!?!?" yelled Madara loudly. Naruto and Hinata immediately ceased their activities and turned around.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!! It's you guys AGAIN!?!?!" yelled Naruto angrily. Hinata, who was pretty pissed off herself, began cracking her knuckles.

"It's okay, Hidan. I did my research, so I know exactly how to defeat them." Said Madara calmly. Inhaling, he whispered the following words that would lead to the next several chapters of this brilliant parody, which is being turned into a full motion picture and is already nominated for ALL the Oscars (I'm played by Mathew Damon!):

"Naruto is happy."

Immediately, Sakura flew through the window, punched Naruto and Hinata 5,463,879,592,364 times in three seconds, and flew away. Madara scooped up Naruto's body, grabbed Hidan's travel string, and began sprinting towards the gates.

_Meanwhile…_

Kisame was so happy, he was practically cheering. Everybody was still waiting for Zetsu, Madara and Hidan, so he had been able to sneak off and visit the aquarium! He even managed to win a game of "shred your face off with my huge-ass sword" and got a shark in a giant plastic baggie!

"I'm gonna name you Chrysanthimum Juliper!" said Kisame happily as he looked over Chrysanthimum. He was foaming at the mouth, as he had eaten the aquarium guard's face when Kisame wasn't looking and had developed a taste for blood.

When Kisame arrived at the gates, Zetsu had shown up.

"Hello, everyone!...Hey, do you smell flowers?"

Zetsu began coughing nervously.

"You know, now that you mention it…"

"SO! Where are Hidan and Madara?" asked Zetsu nervously.

"I don't know. I hope Madara gets here, though-I need his sharingan to count the pebbles I shoved under this guy's toe." Said Pein. If he beat his record of 712, he would put this toe on the mantelpiece.

"FUCK! We're here!" yelled Hidan as he, Madara, and a still-unconcious Naruto arrived.

"Hey, you guys are-um, why is the kyuubi kid naked?" asked Kisame, puzzled.

"Well, it's a long story, but let's just say that I just got us free playboy magazine subscriptions for life." Said Madara. He than heard movement and turned around. "OOOHH! A puppy!"

"Alrighty, I can see some ninjas heading this way-time to deactivate Madara." Said Konan. Moving towards the Uchiha-who had just finished eating the puppy-she whispered in his ear "Madara, grandfather wishes to play croquet."

Immediately, Madara's sharingan disappeared, and was replaced with a simple-looking black hole.

"Hey guys! The Disney store here KICKS ASS! Lookit all the stuff I gots!" yelled Tobi as he took out roughly 2000 dolls.

"Tobi, as much as we'd love to feign interst in your dolls and feed them to Big Pein in front of you when your guard is down, NINJAS ARE CHASING US AND WE HAVE TO LEAVE!!!" Yelled Itachi as he began running.

"OH NO! Hidan, time to use your flying powers! We'll meet you at the base!" Yelled Tobi. Grabbing Hidan's string, he began spinning the psychotic head and let go, sending him far into the stratosphere.

"**FUUUUU**UUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"Should he have done that?" asked Zetsu Black.

"Yeah, we might have been able to use him for a doorstop or something." Said Zetsu White.

"Yeah, well, we'll worry about him later. Now let's get this naked ramanophile to our base!" yelled Pein.

With that noble sentiment, the Akatsuki fled deep into the night.

Next Chapter: What do you MEAN nobody's available? Assembling the Rescue Squad!

AU: sorry it took me so long to update, but as I have said before, a lot of stuff is happening right now. By the way, before I forget, it appears that dangos are in fact rice dumplings, not bean dumplings! Anyway, I'm THRILLED that I've gotten this many reviews! Thank You!


	11. Chapter 11: What do you MEAN?

Note: this chapter contains satire of a this fanfiction website , and I advise those who dislike that kind of satire-specifically those with enough power to remove my fanfic from the site-not to read it.

Chapter 11: What do you MEAN nobody's available? Assembling the Rescue Squad!

"I still don't see what the problem is! He farted in my face, makes me look bad, and last week he stole all of my gophers!" yelled Kiba right before Hinata punched him in the crotch.

Kiba silently screamed as he flew through the window many miles away, Akamaru chasing after him.

"SHUT UP KIBA YOU BASTARD!! We have to save Naruto!" screamed Hinata.

"And we will." Said Tsunade. "However, assembling a team for this mission will be difficult, because many of our ninjas are preoccupied."

"Well, I'll go rescue him!" yelled Hinata.

"OH NO YOU WON'T!" roared the voice of a man seen only in 4 episodes of Naruto but featured in 4/3 Naruhina fanfics as the primary antagonists.

"…father?" squeaked Hinata.

"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! You had sex with someone not only before marriage, but in the library?! Have you no shame?!" yelled Hiashi in rage.

"Wait…how do you know we were having sex in the library? Is that the new issue of playboy in your-"

"How I know makes no difference! You are officially GROUNDED for one week!"

"FUCK!" shouted Hinata as she stormed off to her room, her father racing after her yelling "AND YOU DIDN'T USE A CONDOM?"

"...Okay, but we DO have to help Naruto." Said Kakashi. "I'd go, except I have to wash Pakkun."

"I have to wash Pakkun better than Kakashi because he is my rival and I will defeat him because I am great and I don't look really stupid WAHA!" Yelled Gai as he raced after Kakashi.

Neji than spoke up. "I REALLY wish I could go, but I…" Neji began shivering. "Gai told me to give Lee 'the talk'."

"I get to hear a talk from Neji who is my rival and I will defeat him and I'm not creepy looking at all and I need some crack WAHA!" yelled Lee.

"I have to eat." Said Choji.

"I have to lie down and look at clouds." Said Shikamaru.

"Me and Juugo have to take care of Sasuke". Said Suigetsu.

"I'm not an important enough character to do anything useful!" piped up TenTen.

"Sakura and Karin aren't allowed to leave the village, and Kiba is miles away by now. Who will rescue Naruto?" said Tsunade glumly.

"We have a plan!" said both Shino and Juugo.

"Although I can't go because Kiba has my ant farm-and I NEED my ant farm-me and Juugo have assembled a team to rescue Naruto!" announced Shino.

The door creaked open. In walked the super special awesome rescue squadron team!!

"Wait…That's just a bunch of bugs and a puppy!" said Tsunade.

"But they kick ass! Just interview them, you'll see!" whined Juugo.

So Tsunade interviewed each member of the team.

INTERVIEW 1: Shino Bug 22

Tsunade: "So…you are?"

Shino Bug 22:"I'm Shino Bug 22!"

T: "What can you do?"

S:"Well, if I cling on to someone for four hours, I can eat all of their chakra. If I work with my teammate, we can do it in three hours eighteen minutes! Also, I know bug kung fu, I can plant bombs, and I'm a good writer!"

T:"Really? What do you write?"

S: "I have a story called What the Shit: The story of Nibbles."

T: "Who's nibbles?"

S: "He's the main character of a manga that Shino Bug 9723 writes."

T: "So…Is your story a book, or-"

S: "Nope, it's a fanfiction! It's on a fanfiction website ."

T: "So, is this site a collaboration of intelligent, sophisticated writers?"

S: "Uhhh…..No. You see, 7 out of every 6 fanfictions contain a sex scene. Of those 7, 8 have sex as the center of the story. Of those 8, 34 have pairings that make no sense at all. For example, Nibble's teacher Ikurrra and his other teacher Kukushoo. Also, of those 8, 5689 are same-sex pairings."

T: "So the site is basically a porn hub?"

S: "No, no, no…A _badly written_ porn hub."

INTERVIEW 2: Shino Bug 121

Tsunade: "So, what can you do?"

Shino Bug 121: "Everything that Shino bug 22 can do. Instead of writing, however, I can use this!"

(Shino Bug 121 proudly holds up an object invisible to the naked eye)

T: "What is that?"

SB: "It's a stinger! I can glue it on my butt, and if I sit on you, it'll hurt! But than I'll die."

T: "So it's useless?"

SB: "…Yeah. I use it to hide my candy."

INTERVIEW 3: Frederick

Tsunade: "So, what can you do?"

Frederick: "mppphh"

T: "huh?"

Juugo: "He's in a cocoon! When he emerges, he'll be a beautiful butterfly that can poop on their enemies!"

INTERVIEW 4: Jimmython

Tsunade: "Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

S123: "Nope, I used a plot device jutsu!"

Suigetsu: "HEY! Dangos aren't bean dumplings, dumbass, they're rice dumplings! I checked on Wikipedia!"

S123:"…"

(I, the glorious author, give Suigetsu genital warts. He flees, howling in agony, as I use my teleportation powers.)

_Okay, we're sending three bugs and a puppy against the most powerful organization of criminals in the world…time to begin betting!_ Though Tsunade.

"Okay, I have total faith in you! Move out and rescue Naruto!" said Tsunade.

"You heard her! MOVE OUT!" Yelled Shino Bug 22.

After the team left, Tsunade turned to Shizune

"I bet ten bucks that they'll be dead in five minutes."

Next chapter: AAAAAHHHH! A Giant Head Monster! The Mission Begins!

AU: Hey! Sorry it took me so long to update. I'll try to finish the next chapter sooner. Please review if you're reading this!


	12. Chapter 12: AAUUUGH! THE HEAD MONSTER!

Chapter 12: AAAAAAAHHHHH! A Giant Head Monster! The Mission Begins!

**THE FOLLOWING PASSAGES ARE TAKEN FROM SHINO BUG 22'S MISSION JOURNAL. THEY TAKE PLACE FROM 4/9/08 (BEGINNING OF MISSION) TO 8/9/08 (FOUR MONTHS LATER).**

Journal-

Wow, my first mission! I can't wait to get out of the city and see the country. I have absolute confidence in my teammates (one of them is a PUPPY! Do you know how big that is?) and I know we're going to win.

Journal-

It's been three days since my last entry. We're almost to the door of Tsunade's office.

Journal-

We made it out of the office yesterday, but some girl grabbed Jimmython for her pet! We're going to have to divert and rescue him!

Journal-

It's taken us a month, but we saved Jimmython. Unfortunately, a strong wind blew us across town. We're about a ten-minute walk for a person from the gate. We have to try our best!

Journal-

It's been two months now. We're nearly a quarter of the way to the gate. Morale is low. Supplies have run short. Shino Bug 121 nearly pitched a fit when it was his turn to carry Frederick. We have to keep going…

Journal-

We're starving. Halfway to the gate, we ran out of food. I may have to eat you to survive…

Journal-

We got resupplied! Ichiraku Ramen guy gave us some food. He said that Naruto was putting all 5 of his kids into Harvard with the money he gets from his ramen-buying.

Journal-

It's taken us four months, but we made it to the gate! Now our adventure can begin…

Sakura happened upon the party.

"WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU'RE STILL HERE!? GET THE FUCK GOING YOU FUCKERS!" She screamed as she punted them over the gates.

In their headlong flight, the bugs made it to about 100 feet away from akatsuki base (Sakura is a strong kicker).

"…Is everyone ok?" Asked Shino Bug 22.

"I'm fine!" Said Shino Bug 121.

"Arf!" Said Jimmython.

"…" Said Frederick (he's still in a coccoon).

As the bugs were about to advance, they heard a very faint screaming.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"

Hidan's head, which had been soaring through the air for four months, finally landed-right in front of the party.

"TOBIYOUMOTHERFUCKINGFUCKERPIECEOFBITCHSHITIMGONNA**KILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOUKILLYOU!!"** screamed the head hysterically. He than turned to the bugs.

"Ooh, several adorable bugs and a puppy. I'M GONNA FREAKING EAT YOUR SOULS!!" Screeched Hidan.

"CRAP!" yelled Shino Bug 22. A few minutes passed.

"Hey, he can't move!" exclaimed Shino Bug 121. Jimmython went to the back of Hidan's head and began urinating.

_CRAP! They figured out my one weakness! Time to use my secret weapon!_ Thought Hidan. Hocking with all of his might, he fired a loogie at Shino Bug 22, and missed by less than an inch.

"Everyone, take evasive action! Jimmython, keep peeing! Shino Bug 121, time for our ultimate attack!" yelled Shino Bug 22. The two bugs flew over to Hidan, while dodging his loogies, and began firing punch after punch and kick after kick at Hidan, getting in over 7000 hits!

Hidan blinked in annoyance as the bugs sat on his forehead.

"Time to reload." As Hidan snorted, he sucked up…

"FREDERICK! NOOOOO!" roared Shino Bug 121.

Suddenly, a butterfly flew out of Hidan's nose. "He's ok!" exclaimed Shino Bug 22.

Suddenly, Hidan began screaming. Parts of his face were disappearing, and swarms of maggots were crawling out of him.

"I laid my eggs inside his brain." Said Frederick, who is actually a girl.

Soon, only Hidan's mouth was left lying on the ground.

"**FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFU-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH!!"**

Hidan's cursing was interrupted when Jimmython, seeing a convenient hole, began defacating. Soon, all that was left of Hidan was a mumbling pile of dog crap.

"Awesome!" Exclaimed Shino Bug 22. "Tonight we eat like kings!"

Next Chapter: About Damn Time! Storming the Base and the Secret Weapon!


	13. Chapter 13: About Damn Time!

Note: I hate yaoi, but I have nothing against gay people. I just think that Sasuke has no reason to sodomize Naruto and to believe otherwise is simple denial.

Chapter 13 (Final): About Damn Time! Storming the Base and the Secret Weapon!

Ten weeks after the battle against Hidan, the party had finally made it to the outside of the Akatsuki base.

"Phew! I just hope Naruto is okay." Said Shino Bug 22 as he finished off the last of the giant crap pile that had been their food reserves.

_Inside the base…_

The Akatsuki members were crowded around a TV. A naked Naruto was also trying to watch.

"I know that this exactly-four-months-and-ten-week-long-One Piece-Marathon is important, but wasn't there something we were supposed to do?" Said Pein.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Tobi and Naruto simultaneously. "Luffy's eating something!"

_Outside the base…_

"Man, that was some good shi-" Said Shino Bug 22 just before the walnut landed by him making a giant explosion.

"HOLYFUCKWHATWASTHATOGODOGODOGOD!" Screamed Shino Bug 121 as they began dodging more nuts. Looking up, they saw Bobbith and her walnut bazooka. The battle was desperate until Jimmython bravely leapt towards Bobbith and…

"Hey! Jimmython's beating Bobbith! It looks like he's trying to tackle her but isn't quite making it. He's trying again! And Again! And again! And-"

"Let's go" said Shino Bug 121, who had just realized what was happening.

The bugs rounded a corner, arriving just in time to meet a grinning Big Pein, with the rest of the Akatsuki at his heels.

"Any last words, insects?" asked Konan, leering.

"Um…" Shino Bug 22 frantically took out his laptop, and in a panic began typing.

**READERS, HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED! COME HELP ME!**

Nothing happened.

**IF YOU HELP, I'LL PUT IN A FAN PAIRING.**

Nothing happened.

**IF YOU HELP, I'LL PUT IN A LEMON.**

Nothing happened.

Shino Bug 22 sighed, and sold away the last of his pride.

**IF YOU HELP, I'LL PUT IN A YAOI LEMON.**

At first nothing happened, but a distinct rumbling was heard. Than, the ceiling, floor, walls, and windows broke simultaneously as fanfiction readers and writers stormed the fortress, murmuring "YAOI…YAOI…YAOI…" Millions arrived every second through cracks in the floor, openings under doors, and from the skies.

"NOOO! HOW IS THIS HAPPENING! WHAT THE HELL!" Screamed Pein as he continued to sink into the mass.

"Anyone who ever spends any time at all on my fanfics site knows that nearly every person there is obsessed with forcing characters who have nothing at all to do with each other to have vulgar, pornography style sex, and of this base, the biggest group is the yaoi fans!" Screamed Shino Bug 22 as more slobbering fans stormed in. After a few minutes, the entire base was decimated, and the Akatsuki gone. A fan wiped his mouth.

**Epilogue**

**Naruto returned to the village, disappointed that he didn't get to finish watching one piece. He and Hinata had crazy reunion sex, got married, and had several dozen kids. Naruto finally became Hokage at age 89. He died four minutes later.  
**

**Sasuke, Sakura, and Karin all died a year after the events I have described to you. According to Konoha's police forces, Karin and Sakura had killed Sasuke, and both wanted to wear his skin. They died fighting each other.**

**Kakashi took over Konoha's mantle as the biggest pervert of all time. He finished the Makeout Paradise series, and is currently underground, trying to dig through to the women's hot springs.**

**Shino Bugs 22 and 121 returned to Shino as heroes. Shino Bug 22 unfortunately had to write a yaoi, and is currently hiding from yaoi fans, because apparently it wasn't very good.**

**Jimmython and Bobbith had 53 squirrel-dog babies, and established a ninja village in the ruins of the akatsuki base. Currently, they are plotting world domination, and have already sent Frederick out to deliver their ultimatum.**

**The other characters, who aren't very important, had lots of stuff happen to them. Then they died.**

**THE END**


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